disorganized attachment to the experience of homosexuality

been listening to Troye Sivan way too much

to preface, I definitely rant type so I apologize in advance for the many different routes I take throughout my attention deficit :/

Troye Sivan’s song “Rush” has changed my life in a way I never imagined a gay pop anthem could (this is an exaggeration). I once viewed Troye Sivan’s music style as too romantic, emotional, fragile, or cringy. In my personal experience as a gay male-identifying person, I frequently struggle with allowing myself to feel these authentic emotions of fragility, romanticism, and love. To cope with this struggle, I desperately ( and I mean… desperately) search for affection and love through anonymous hook-ups and hypersexuality. After every one of these anonymous encounters, I leave feeling so energetically drained and ashamed of myself. But I go to sleep and do the same thing the next day. It seems to be a constant cycle of one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I need it! I Hate it! On my way! Why did I come?! Download → Delete! Repeat! I knew how to curate a Grindr profile before I knew how to ask for healthy boundaries in a relationship. I knew to categorize myself as a “twink” before I ever told a boy I loved them. I pressured myself to explore the sexual side of my sexuality before any other facet.

Back to “Rush”. After listening to this song for the 100th time, I realized why I was addicted. The lyrics set me free! I stopped judging myself for all the times I buzzed a random apt number and left an hour later with my underwear on backward and a missing earring. I stopped criticizing the addictive Download → Delete pattern I have been riding for years. I told myself it’s okay to be addicted to your touch. It’s okay that (most of the time) it feels good. It’s okay to have my heartbeat racing every time I walk up and shake hands with a total stranger who seems to know how to curate an online profile well enough to catch my attention. Now I can go into these escapades with total control and zero shame.

Now the key is to stay within moderation. Yes Niko, feel young and wild and free, but know your limits. I tell myself this but I am only 22 and 3 years away from a fully developed frontal lobe (1096 days… I have time). Moderation does not exist in my world right now. Give me a break.

so now I accept that I love the rush. I can’t help that I was born into a generation of gay men having access to a world of exploration in the palm of their hand. that inner child can finally accept his path. one that is full of twists and turns. A path with an empty handbook waiting to be filled with many chapters. Nothing to be ashamed of in the process.

I guess I have Troye Sivan to thank for this recent epiphany. Thank you Troye!

gtg now….on my way to apartment 301.